Lito Lapid for Foreigners 101
For some reason, while I was going through Wikipedia, I came across the entry for Lito Lapid.
For some of you out there who don’t know him, Lito Lapid was an action star, and erstwhile governor of Pampanga who made a name for himself in Philippine cinema for his penchant for performing preposterous somersaults during fight scenes - catching and shooting a gun in midair in the process.
I took a look at his filmography (a rather impressive one at that, with 80 plus movies dating back to 1978), and couldn’t help but giggle at the impossibly cheesy titles of his films.
I tried translating the titles into English, wondering how they would sound if I had to explain them to a foreigner friend. Yes, some did end up sounding sillier in the process.
Lito Lapid’s selected filmography:
Tatlong Baraha (2006) Three Aces
His latest, greatest flick about a trio of Zorro lookalikes, who try to save the world with their guns and their ridiculously timed somersaults.
Dugong Aso: Mabuting Kaibigan, Masamang Kaaway (2001) Dog-Blooded: Good Friend, Bad Enemy
Tagalog has a way of compressing a whole exposition into a terse phrase,while still making sense. What DA:MKMK is trying to say is that the protagonist has the ‘blood of the dog,’ inheriting its loyalty to family and ferocity to foes. However, the title still sucks.
Bukas, Babaha ng Dugo (2001) Tomorrow, Blood shall Flow
This title actually sounds just about right. I imagine a Hollywood version using “Tomorrow, Blood Shall Flow” drawing attention. It’s a bit catchier that “Quantum of Solace,” which sounds like an action flick for geeks.
Masikip na ang Mundo mo, Labrador (2001) Your World is Shrinking, Worker
Your World is Shrinking is passim for “You’re running out of places to run to.” Passable title.
Huwag mong Ubusin ang Bait ko! (2000) Don’t Use Up My Kindness
Don’t use up my kindness, or I’ll…I’ll…get you with my somersaults.
Pasasabugin ko ang Mundo mo (2000) I’ll Blow Up Your World
I’ll rock your body and blow your world. Hardly a threat. Something Justin Timberlake would say.
Fidel Jimenez: Magkasubukan tayo (2000) Fidel Jimenez: Let’s Try Each Other
Sounds like a messed up porn movie. Expect somersaults.
Patigasan (2000) Who’s Harder
Ditto. More somersaults.
Largado, Ibabalik kita sa Pinanggalingan mo! (1999) Largado, I’m Sending You Back To Where You Came From
-Back to Ohio? But I just got here….
Ako’y Ibigin mo… Lalaking Matapang (1999) Love Me…a Man of Courage
Believe it or not. This was actually an action movie. No, not that kind of ‘action.’
Tatapatan ko ang Lakas mo (1999) I’m Gonna Match Your Strength
And we’re gonna catch ‘em all! Pokemon!
Tapatan ng Tapang (1996) Courage Against Courage
Lapid loves courage, and makes a point to mention it every other movie, and every other line for that matter.
Hindi Lahat ng Ahas ay nasa Gubat (1996) Not All Snakes Are In the Jungle
I’m biting my tongue on this one.
Escobar: Walang Sasantuhin (1995) Escobar: No Saints
If translated properly, it sounds rather cool. In the broader context, it means that no one will be spared. Bloodbath ensues.
Tapang sa Tapang (1995): Courage Vs. Courage
What did I tell you about the “courage” thing? In this movie, it’s somersault vs. somersault. International martial arts star Cynthia Luster co-stars!
Hanggang sa Huling Bala (1995) ‘Til the Last Bullet
Passable title. Given the shoestring budget of most Pinoy movies, that would be 5 bullets.
Ikaw pa, Mahal kita (1995) I Love You, Of Course I Do
Action movie. Really.
Next up, eponymous movies using the names of obscure people:
Macario Durano (1994) Macario Durano
Geron Olivar (1994) Geron Olivar
Aguinaldo (1993) Aguinaldo
Gascon, Bala ang Katapat Mo (1993) Mister, A Bullet is a Match for You
Lacson, Batas ng Navotas (1992) Lacson, the Law of Navotas
Dudurugin Kita ng Bala ko (1992) (Directed by: Toto Natividad) I’ll Crush You with My Bullets
How to do it, though, is the question. Bullets are pricey nowadays.
Walang Piring ang Katarungan (1990) (Released 9|12|1990) (Directed by: Augusto Salvador) Justice Hath no Blindfold
This one’s cool. The title, that is.
Kahit Singko ay di ko Babayaran ang Buhay Mo (1990) (Released 7|11|1990) I Won’t Even Spare a Penny to Buy Your Life
Tightwad
Tadtarin ng Bala si Madelo (1989) Pepper Madelo with Bullets
A more accurate translation is “Chop up Madelo with Bullets,” or “Tenderize Madelo with Bullets.” But that just makes me hungry. And it’s silly to boot.
Sa Bawat Hahakbangan, Babaha ng Dugo (1985) Blood Shall Flow With
Every Step
Foreboding. Good title.
Yakapin Mo ako Lalaking Matapang (1980) Hug Me, Brave Man
You guessed it. An action movie. I’m not sure if it means, “hug me , I’m a brave man,” or “hug me, brave man.” Anyway, both sound really wrong.
Ang Sisiw ay Agila (1980) The Chick is an Eagle
Huh?
I know, I’m writing up this really corny post. I’m just sharing with you what makes me laugh. And I enjoy a good roast once in a while.
Stop! Thieves!
The other week when them con men tried their luck on me as I was on my way home on the bus.
The sheer audacity!
I’m letting you in on one of their modi. Consider yourself warned.
…..
There I was on the bus, tinkering with my PSP when I felt a rough hand pawing between my back and the seat - supposedly fishing for something that had dropped. Rather irritated at the rudeness of it all, I looked up and asked, “What’s wrong? Did you drop something?”
Con man 1 keeps his lid. And I still don’t like the thought of his scaly hand down my back, so I stand up to let him ‘search’ for whatever it is he dropped(a coin, a ticket, his false teeth, I don’t know).
As I stood up, the guy beside me stood up as well, making as if to get off at the next stop; so I’m pushed out into the bus aisle.
Right about then I realized that I was surrounded at every side by people that were all preparing to “get off” the bus. The guy in front of me did his best statue impression and hogged up all the space in front of me and wouldn’t let anyone get through.
“I’m getting off at the next stop, too,” he lied.
Now, my suspicion meter is off the charts. I grasped my bag and PSP with my left hand and straddled my wallet(back pocket) and phone(ratty K608i, front pocket) with my right hand, and braced myself for some pushing and shoving.
And push and shove they did.
The wonder of it all was when even with my right hand over my pockets, they were still able to get my phone to pop out of its restraints.
Fortunately, right hand wasn’t that useless. It felt my phone pop out. And in a wink, it scrambled to retrieve my traumatized phone.
I muscled my way out of the aisle, into a clearing and checked my stuff while warily eyeing those guys who bungled their con on me.
Surely enough, they hurried off the bus at the next stop.
I checked my stuff again. Wallet. Check. Bag. Check. Phone. Check. Whew, safe today. Thank God.
However, It turns out that by moving into the clearing, I trapped on of their accomplices. I gave him a good long look (I really wasn’t sure if he was an accomplice, but I’d bet my trousers and that he was). He looked rather uncomfortable before blurting, “Did you lose something?”
The nerve.
As I collected myself (honestly, I had to shake off murderous thoughts from my head), the bus conductor said something that made my ears burn.
“They almost got you there. They wouldn’t take a seat at the back. I knew they were up to something.”
Why they almost did, didn’t they? Thanks a lot! I don’t see the point in you telling me something you should have told me when it was happening.
…..
There, I’ve vented. Peace has been restored to my world.
…..
I’ve always maintained that I was safer walking home that riding on the bus. This here proves my point.
Quote of the Day
I found this interesting. Please mine it for all it’s worth.
“The best way to get someone’s attention is to whisper.”
Today’s Events
It’s 1′o clock; and I just got home.
A freak downpour submerged various parts of Manila; so it took me 2 hours to get from Ayala to Pasay (all of 3 kilometers).
I would have walked, if it were possible, but swimming was the only alternative. I’m sleepy, cold, and rather grumpy, but I still want to update this blog if only because I have neglected it for far too long.
Anyway, before todays memories fade into obscurity. Let me tell you how today went.
…..
I got to work rather late. 10:03 to be exact. I glued myself to my seat and parked my eyes 6 inches from my all-too-dim monitor and earned my wage.
Once in a while, I’d go through a few online mock exams since I’m studying for something.
I ate mushroom siomai, and spicy chicken hotdog for lunch.
After work, the guys decided to have a little DOTA party, so I went to Glorieta to indulge in a little computer gaming — which is my only means of socializing, I fear. Having not played for all of 4 months, I naturally sucked — even with my favorite characters. Anyway, no use getting too crossed about that.
My DOTA fire’s gone out. Which is weird, I used to love gaming.
…..
Anyway, looking at today, I can’t help but feel a little bland. There has to be something grander for me to be part of. While I am thankful for the blessings that come my way everyday, I still want my days to be more useful and less nondescript.
Babe Magnet
I’m a babe magnet. Seriously.
I was on the LRT the other week when I got this uncanny feeling that I was being watched. I peeked sideways surreptitiously and found myself face to face to a rather cute girl: big brown eyes, sullen dark curls, and pouty lips.
And believe it or not, this cute thing reached out and started playing with my hair.
I froze. It tickled.
She then started stroking my back.
Then her dad, who suddenly noticed her untoward attention, told her off : “Baby, no.”
And so the sleepy two-year old pouted–just like the time when she got Cerelac instead of the Gerber she wanted—and withdrew into her dad’s shoulders for a nap.
Yep. I’m a babe magnet. Babies can’t get enough of me.
They think I’m Jollibee. Or some other inflated mascot.
…..
A few months before, I had a similar, but exponentially more awkward experience.
I was at Powerbooks (as is my post-office habit), when this Korean(I assume) kid comes up to me and blurts out,
“Daddy!”
I’m shocked. Naturally.
I don’t remember doing any extra-curricular activities to warrant the label.
His mom, obviously flustered, came to the rescue, “No, baby, that’s not your daddy!”
A brief pause.
“Daddy!”
Oh, so he’s mistaken me for his dad. He must have a really good-looking dad.
“Baby, that’s not your daddy,” flustered mom looks at me apologetically. It was rather awkward. So, before anybody got any ideas, I came to the rescue,
“No, I’m not your daddy, I’m your tito”
Seriously, that was the best I could do.
“Yes, baby, that’s your tito,” says flustered mom excitedly, thanking me with her eyebrows.
“Daddy!!”
At this point I give up, and flustered mom physically removes little kid from the site.
…..
I wonder why this keeps happening to me. Maybe it’s because my pot belly has “Daddy” written all over it.
A few more months earlier, I was lounging at a friend’s place when a little girls runs up to me and, oh so sweetly, chimes,
“DAAddyy”
May I humbly add, being mistaken for her dad, that she probably has a really good-looking dad.
Her mom is quick to laugh at her about it.
“Anak, daddy mo ba yan?”
She looks up, realizes her shame and tries to hide her face behind her tiny hands- which I found really cute.
…..
All this is funny because they all happened with strangers. But when it comes to the kids of my friends (I’m looking at you Kuya Giovs). I’m universally reviled. It’s probably because I give spanking rods as gifts (mind you, with “Spare the rod, spoil the child” inscribed).
…..
Well, the sad part is that being called Daddy doesn’t stir up any feelings of paternal longing in me. And for the moment the picture below is the closest I’m going to get to being a daddy.
The closest I'll get to being a daddy
